Maybe it’s just me, but I doubt it. Doubt isn’t one of those things that you conquer during one good cry at the altar or one especially fervent prayer. It is something you have to conquer again and again and again AND replace with God’s truth over and over and over AGAIN.
I had one of those moments today where my REALITY seemed especially large and overwhelming. The problem with my “reality” is that many facets of it don’t align properly with the promises that God has written for and spoken over my life. There are these moments when I am tempted to entertain defeat or tempted to allow my “challenges” to overshadow God’s sovereignty and power to bring everything He has predestined for me to pass. It is during these tempestuous moments that I have to CHOOSE to be loyal to an alternate reality that I haven’t seen, but have chosen to believe is more real than the life I’ve lived- even the bed I’m currently sitting on.
While pondering this today, I remembered a specific part of my sister-friend’s book, I’m Not Garbage (by Rein Johnson). In the book, she mentioned her grandmother’s doberman pinschers bulldozing her and standing over her snapping right over her face. She said she remembers being a terrified little girl and feeling their hot breath on her face. I realized today that doubt feels a lot like that for me. Often times it doesn’t feel like the threat of being bitten, but more like fangs actually making and impression on my cheek and like I have that split second to DECIDE not to fear. As if in that split second, my decision to trust is what prevents the puncture that would precede blood running down my face.
It isn’t easy. It just isn’t. It isn’t easy to believe for something different when too many days look the same and seem to run into one another. It isn’t easy to believe for financial breakthrough when you get three bills in the mail on the same day that you don’t have enough money to pay. It isn’t easy to believe God for a loyal husband when in your past relationships you never experienced a loyal boyfriend (no, I’m not encouraging random dating). It isn’t easy to believe that all of the sweat, sore muscles and daily visits to the gym will pay off when you tried on your jeans and they still fit the same. It isn’t easy to believe that your loved one will “get it” when they actually act worse than they did before you started praying for them. Believing just isn’t easy, but it is NECESSARY.
In the book, my friend said she laid on the ground perfectly still until the dogs were distracted and called off of her. She didn’t make any sudden moves. Being STILL in your faith, is the very thing that will keep the “doberman of doubt” from tasting your blood. In that moment where fear begins to tighten it’s grip….don’t give it any doubt to grip at all! I’m saying this to you with bills on my couch, a bare ring finger, tight jeans and wayward loved ones. Right in the midst of it all, I’m saying “ONLY BELIEVE”. Give God a space of hope to fill with His beautiful promises.
The day will come when I’m on the other side of these trials (by trials, I’m referring to doubts). And like so many, I’ll tell a testimony from the other side. I just wanted to comfort someone today who is feeling alone and tired. I want to tell you BEFORE my promises manifest that I first had to believe on this side- the side of blind faith and you must too.
I BELIEVE… Believe with me!!!