There have been times I’ve felt like the most misunderstood person on the planet. Many times actually. Mmmmm no, it was MOST of the time. Then in grad school during one of my pastoral counseling courses I had to take a few of the most in depth, TIME CONSUMING, intricate personality assessments I’d ever taken. Those tests revealed my temperament/personality combination represents only 3% of the global population. That was comforting. Seriously. I finally had the REASON I’ve always felt so different than everyone else. I began to embrace my uniqueness on a new and stronger level. I began to be ME unapologetically (only adjusting what He desired for me to adjust). You can change so much to suit others’ whims, needs, insecurities, and agendas that you don’t leave space for the person you (authentically) are to be expressed.
Everyone has an opinion about how life should be lived. The only ones I trust and entertain are the ones that line up with God’s word. One thing I’ve known about myself is that being Spirit led is most fulfilling and peaceful for me. Even when being such didn’t appear to produce much, I always found comfort in honoring Him. Even as a child, I wasn’t hard-headed. My dad was the disciplinarian. And I’ll tell you this- I never got in trouble for the same thing twice. Wanting to please my daddy was a pre-cursor to wanting to please my Father. David demonstrated the courage to fight for his daddy’s sheep before he demonstrated the courage to fight for His Father’s flock! God wired me to respect boundaries and order. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve been a broken person, ignorant (lacking knowledge), unwise, dysfunctional, insecure, a people pleaser…the list goes on. But more importantly, once I come to know better, I DO better.
I feel my greatest PRIVILEGE and pleasure in life is my relationship with God. It’s the sugar & spice of my life!!! Knowing how sovereign and powerful He is, I’ve never understood why those who call themselves His, settle for bondage. I’ve been bound by much so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve come to know there is NO fetter the blood of Yeshua can’t break…even if it happens slowly. Even if it happens slowly. Even if it happens slowly. Even if it happens slowly. No need to attempt to be perfect by tomorrow. Just make progress today! Progress is victory small moment by small moment. And victory is victory!
Walking with Him, I’ve learned His ways are counterintuitive. When we’ve waited long, our flesh desires to create change. When we feel discomfort, our flesh desires relief. When we feel lonely or aroused, we’ll seek companionship, even if it’s sinful or unhealthy. But what if the long wait and discomfort are purposed? What if something is being worked out of you or set up for you? What if the wilderness you’re desperately trying to escape is actually part of the plan? What if the LEVEL of pain you endured in marriage was never what He planned for you to experience in a marriage? What if the job you hate going to is the provision you rushed to before the peaceful provision He was bringing to you? What if there’s something you’ll forfeit as the result of taking your life in your own hands? What if you’re looking at your life right now and you’ve spun your wheels and worked way harder than what you have to show for it? What if what you chased and caught isn’t life-giving, nor what it was “cracked up to be”? His blessings may look menial, then end up major, never look major then end up a big disappointment. Not His!
I’ve waited. And waited. And waited. Then waited some more when I came up with fabulous exit strategies that I realized He wasn’t in. I’ve watched so many CHRISTIANS get TIRED of being single and make the decision to marry. Not because He prompted them. Not because He revealed it’s their time. Not because He sent a man or woman to them, but because they were tired of being unmarried. So, they chose one of their options and made the second most important decision of their life without a single yes from their Creator. I’ve watched CHRISTIANS end up marrying people they intended to be placeholders simply because they got in so deep and became so indebted, they FELT they couldn’t get out. How well can that possibly turn out? I WILL NOT. He will sanction it, or I won’t do it.
I’ve waited so long for change, good intentioned people began giving me advice about what to do to change my circumstances. Not because God revealed something to them, but because people often have a “make it happen” tendency, have never waited on the Lord, and thus got tired of watching me wait. WELL, TURN YOUR HEAD AND LOOK OVER THERE!!! But there’s only one thing I dislike more than the waiting, and that’s being in or a part of something HE hasn’t graced. So, I wait more. No desire I have is worth being out of divine alignment. NOT ONE! I’ll wait.
I’ve occupied my time strengthening my relationship with Him, learning more about Him, spending time with Him, reading, learning, becoming smarter, preparing, becoming a better me, and INVESTING time, money, effort, and energy in becoming the person He created me to be. Let me tell ya, THAT will keep you busy!
As a disciple our lives should REEK discipline. Even my health, I am tackling and subduing from the inside out! When I get to that “BEST” on the outside, it will be the overflow of optimum health on the inside. I’ve been lean, and depressed. I’ve been fit and bankrupt of hope. I’ve been “fine” and full of fear. Mmmmmm that isn’t congruent. In 2012 I asked Him why my weight fluctuates so much as hard as I work out. He revealed the issue isn’t physical at all. Run on the hamster wheel if you want. I won’t let YOU get so comfortable externally that you assume all is well internally. Weight is just how the false burdens, fears, and lack of self expression (inner misalignments) manifest. Earlier this year when I couldn’t even lift my arms or head, couldn’t dress myself, and couldn’t walk, a fear of financial setback had manifested. I’d had a terrible fearful thought that I allowed to escape my lips, and at that very moment I collapsed in a pain that immobilized me. The loss of financial stability in 2008 and the humiliation that followed traumatized me. That trauma sat inside of me flickering a fear of it happening again and an exhaustion from still not having fully recovered. And for what He appointed in my next season, I needed FAITH that agrees with Him. Never pity that! It was a blessing! Fear HAD to be exposed so it could be expelled (as Rein would say). Fear will hinder His plan by neutralizing your faith. Faith takes steps disguised as risks!!! He didn’t want me to miss out!!! The suffering was NOTHING in comparison to what He was ready to reveal for me!
There’s a reason the Apostle Paul encourages us to rejoice in diverse tribulations! If it hadn’t manifested physically, I wouldn’t have sought the Lord for the root. If I hadn’t sought the Lord for the spiritual root, I wouldn’t have gotten my healing! I would have been walking around, having escaped the “inconvenience of pain and immobility” with a fear LODGED inside of me that disagrees with who He is, thus what He desires to release and fulfill in my life. NO!!!! I want what He desires to release and fulfill in my life!!! REJOICE IN YOUR PAIN and seek Him for its purpose!!! EVERYTHING must bless you! Even what is painful must pay you (Rom. 8:28).
So, I’ve waited and been still when He didn’t sanction movement. I’ve waited and been still while I didn’t understand why I had to. I’ve waited and been still while my observers didn’t understand why I had to. I’ve waited and been still while others told me it didn’t take all that. I’ve waited and been still while people I thought I could lean on laughed and talked about me behind my back. I’ve waited and been still while watching others make things happen for themselves. I’ve waited and been still while watching others be blessed AND I REJOICED WITH THEM!!! I’ve waited and been still while watching people NEVER exercise the patience and trust in Him to wait! I’ve waited and been still going to bridal showers, weddings, baby showers and birthday parties. I’ve waited and been still going home alone, sleeping alone, and BEING alone for days on end (literally), because I REFUSED to allow my desire for companionship to compromise my integrity and walk with Christ. I’ve waited and been still while overhearing “friends” joke about me only having a dog at home. I’ve waited and been still while watching people marry, divorce, and get married again while I sill waited on the Lord. I’ve waited and been still while suitors that I’ve told that God didn’t speak to me about marrying them told me I just must not hear Him at all. I’ve waited and been still while young women have bragged and ministered about remaining celibate a “WHOLE TWO YEARS” and then God sent them their mate- oh and before the tender age of 30. Two years? Gurl bye!!! And that isn’t to diminish their wait, it just doesn’t hold a candle! I had plans to be a married mommy before 30 too!!! Ah well!
I’ve waited and been still with a word in my belly when He arrested me and told me He wasn’t in certain ministry opportunities and I had to sit on the sidelines while watching my counterparts gain traction and exposure In their endeavors and opportunities.
I’ve waited and been still so long the wait stopped bothering me. I’d search inside for the hurt, irritation, and embarrassment and couldn’t find it. I had resolved that I have followed His plan and His leading the best way I know how and He knows what He’s doing.
Then and only then, He led me to the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken. And on the heels of my yes have been alignments, provisions, introductions, opportunities, tools, revelations, and shifts that have BLOWN MY MIND. IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER!!!
Just as awesome as it is coming out on the other side (FINALLY) is the realization, love, and appreciation I have for the person I became during the arduous process!
I PROMISE you can’t do it, build it, or create it better than He can. Do NOTHING without Him! I’ve lived long enough to SEE and say ALL THAT STARTS WELL DOESN’T END WELL, BUT… WHAT HE DOES NEVER FAILS!!!!
“Wait I say on the Lord!”