Guilty!!!

I’m guilty. I don’t just mean in the past, but lately. I’ve been guilty of frustration. Guilty of impatience. We do know that patience isn’t waiting right? We’re going to wait regardless when it comes to what only God can release. Patience is actually waiting with the right attitude. We can murmur, complain and pout while we wait, or we can trust, praise and rejoice in the promise that is on the other end of our wait.

I became frustrated, because I couldn’t understand the point. I couldn’t understand why He has revealed some of the things He has, if CLEARLY some of the things aren’t coming to pass any time soon. Sometimes, when hope hurts, you’d just rather not know. Ignorance can be bliss at times. But when He reveals His plan and purpose you have to deal with the burden of conforming to His divine schedule. So I ask questions like… why did you show me if I was just going to remain irritated by the process? Why did I even have to know?

He had a talk with me today to remind me that it isn’t about my conveniences, but His purpose. And He also reminded me that cooperating with Him during the process is the same as cooperating with Him for the plan itself. A sous chef doesn’t get the credit, but certainly has responsibilities and must take orders and execute as the meal is prepared. The longer a sous chef works beside an executive chef, the more they learn, and the better they become.

So AGAIN, my heart has been restored. I needed it restored AGAIN. And I told Him tonight, that I commit to his purpose AND His schedule (ARRRGGGGHHHH it’s KILLING ME…. I guess that’s the point). I desire to execute my role in His plan with complete synchronicity, virtue and excellence. I am walking this out WITH Him. It’s His plan., so it will be accomplished in HIS time. Inhale… Exhale… Inhale….. Exhale…

Psalm 119:133 is my anthem right now. No iniquity!!! No iniquity tied to doubt, fear, frustration, impatience, bitterness, intolerance, pride….. NO INIQUITY!!! (If you read the scripture you’ll get what I’m saying)

We should feel honored to have a role at all!

Perspective is key….Selah

Seasons Change…

Seasons change. I have loved people that I’ve had to release, whether because of death, marriage, miles or just the expiration of a season. As life shifts, sometimes configurations change. You’ve heard it before, you have some relationships for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. Not all endings are bad and bitter.
That said, I cherish the moments, use my words, write letters, send messages and give gifts. I know I mustn’t hold on and prolong anything beyond the season for which it is purposed. I must yield to His plan and respect His course. My endeavor is to make sure that when one reflects across the miles and memories, the sunsets and secrets, the gifts and gains, when a person remembers me and thinks of our time and season of doing life together, they remember honesty, safety, laughter and loyalty…and they simply remember being loved. ❤️❤️❤️ #kelsimarie

Missed Opportunities…

I remember one day at church many years ago, the Holy Spirit told me to go ask an older gentleman…a seasoned elder in our church to lay hands and pray for me. I came up with every excuse imaginable. I was embarrassed to ask. I was afraid of how I would sound. What do I say? Then I said, “Okay, next Sunday…I’ll ask next Sunday.”
God knew, but I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw Him. You really never know when an opportunity will expire…when your season with a person will end.
I’ve repented. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never know what he would have imparted. I’ll never know what God’s intentions were. I’ll never know how my obedience would have affected my life. My flesh would love to believe I didn’t miss out…that it’s all good…that somehow, some way, SOMETHING has made up for it. But I know God and I know He ALWAYS instructs with purpose.
Years later, I stopped by my parents’ house and my father surprised me and wrote a check. I looked at the amount and said, “Thank you Daddy!” I was in a rush!!! I got to the door and had a fleeting thought to run back and kiss him and tell him I loved him. I didn’t. I was running late. I told myself I’d just come back in a few days. It was the last time I saw him. He passed two days later.
My lesson…there ARE missed opportunities!!!
Sometimes people know what they can’t tell you. Some time later I told my mom I wished I had turned around and run back. What harm would 90 more seconds have done? She told me she asked him what prompted him to write me that check that day. His response, “It’s the last gift I’ll ever be able to give her.”
Friendships expire. Seasons change. Doors close. People die. Folks move away. Life carries people in different directions. Winds of change are often unexpected…. The BEST we can do is maximize moments, make sure people know we love them and that they’re appreciated. Leave a good mark, something that makes people smile when they think of you or remember you.
And WHATEVER He is telling you to do. DO IT!!! Sometimes we’ve only got ONE SHOT to get it right and divinely timed for purpose. Mediocrity and settling present opportunities all day, everyday, as long as you’ll take them.

A Sowing Assignment…

I remember someone who broke my heart told me later that he was engaged. He said after seeing the pain on my face when he hurt me, he committed to never hurt a woman like that again. For a long time, I wondered why I had to be the “sacrifice”. With time, I realized he wasn’t for me. And if our interaction and my pain helped him become a better person, and contributed to a woman being treated well, then it wasn‘t in vain.
I had a crush on someone once and the Lord told me he didn’t belong to me.
I put my feelings aside, and helped him see the light in someone else. They’re very happily married now.
I had an ex (we were able to salvage our friendship) call and ask me to go ring shopping with him, because he wanted to propose to his girlfriend and trusted my taste. I did. And I picked out a ring I would have liked for myself.
I could go on, but sometimes you just have to plant seeds and expect God to water your garden. He doesn’t forget any of our labor. He bottles every tear. He sees every desire.
The ONE who is for you won’t walk away and will not risk losing you. He’ll see his future in you, and hopefully some people will have poured into him, preparing him for just you!!!

Jesus IS the middle….

The truth for a Christian, whether you’re ready or not, whether you like it or not, is that Jesus IS the ministry of reconciliation. He is SUPPOSED to be the CENTER of EVERY relationship you have, whether it’s marital, friendship, parental, sibling or otherwise. He will allow EVERY relationship you have to suffer and fall apart, just so that He can reconcile it and be the center of it. No, not to be mean, but because only through Him….only by Him being at the CENTER of the relationship, can you experience the FULLNESS of the blessing the relationship is intended to be. He HAS to be the center!!! I’ve been ruminating this revelation for about three months.
Here’s an example:
Isaac was a promise for Abraham. Sometimes we desire a promise so much and wait so long that when it manifests, we idolize the promise. We serve it and have a greater affection for it than we do God. Sound familiar? God desired to be the CENTER of Abraham and Isaac’s relationship. He has to be the middle, the reconciler. And when Abraham lifted the knife, he proved his faithfulness to God. He chose God over his son, therefore God gave his son back to him (provided a ram in the bush). At that point God became the mediator, the CENTER of the relationship, His rightful place. With order established, every future blessing God intended for Abraham to have through Isaac, could be given. He HAS to be the CENTER!!! Make Him the center so that He doesn’t have to SHOW you He’s the one keeping it together!!! (One of the many things I’ve learned from Bonhoeffer ❤️)

Friendly Fire…

Someone asked me recently if I had a “standard” as it relates to whether or not a person can be my friend. I’d never been asked such a question, but it was a great question. Associates are many, friendships are few (although I use the word too loosely). My response was, “Absolutely! The person just has to be safe. I can’t afford to give personal access and vulnerability to someone who is likely to maim or abuse me. The time I’d have to take to recover, heal and be restored from such close range friendly fire won’t just affect me, but everyone I’m called to affect.”
Mistakes happen and there is such a thing as a hair (hairpin) trigger. The thing is though, the gun should NEVER be pointed at me. Fight beside me, not from behind me.

Accountability is Freedom…

God taught me a lesson a LOOOOOONG time ago that I’ve never forgotten. I, Kelsi, I (emphasis on me) injured a sister at my church and in her pain, she basically yelled it from the mountaintops. Some of what she told people was the truth and some of what she told people were lies. C’mon she isn’t the only one to ever embellish a little due to the sting of pain. In my pride, I was appalled. I began to tell others….”How dare she go around telling people these things!!! She is ruining my reputation! It is so mean for her to tell others what is between she and I- and now she’s started lying!!!”
One day in prayer, the Holy Ghost impressed upon me to STOP and He showed me my fault- my fault alone. At that moment, I realized that the genesis of ALL of it was my transgression against her. I basically overlooked what I had done, to be angry about how she “mishandled” it. With my own sin illuminated before me, I sincerely repented and didn’t look towards her faults anymore. And guess what? In return, for my [now] clean hands, the parts that she shared that were lies, were eventually exposed (yes, it took YEARS). GOD HATES SIN no matter who the culprit is.
You cannot step over your mess in hot pursuit of pointing out someone else’s (Matthew 7:5). You cannot set your own faults aside to deal with how someone else is handling your faults. Your pursuit should be to live above reproach and a life worthy of your calling. With clean hands though, you can plead mercy, especially if others can be hurt. Yes, all of us have been lied on, and someone bearing false witness is a different topic. Here I am referring to when you KNOW you have done wrong, but choose not to take responsibility, all the while, playing victim, angry and upset that someone shared it.
The next time someone gossips about you, before becoming indignant, repent for whatever TRUTH there is in what they are saying, next become resolved that you will not give the enemy anything else to work with, and finally, ask that the truth of the matter be exposed and any lies dispelled. I learned this SOOOO early in my walk with Christ. And I will teach here that you CANNOT be a mature christian without understanding this fundamental element of integrity.
Sometimes if you don’t start none, there won’t be none….. (improper use of english language noted).

Some People Will Never Ask Me To Preach….

Recently I was given a very valuable test…an examination of my heart. Y’all do know that your heart can deceive you right (Jeremiah 17:9)?
I preach and teach the gospel of Jesus Christ (no surprise). If you know me, you know that I have given my life to the furtherance of THIS gospel. Since ministering is what I was created to do, I want to excel in ministry and be the best I can be… and not just on the exterior! I have no interest in a polished public life and a dull private life with Him. That just isn’t real to me. Moving on….
I mean… who doesn’t want to be excellent and effective at what they have committed their life to right? Who doesn’t want to be successful? And right here is where we get all tripped up if we aren’t careful. We forget to define success by biblical standards. To be successful in God is to maximize your potential and be EFFECTIVE in what He has called you to do. Think about it. If He called you to evangelize, but you’re too afraid to appear “fanatic”, so you choose to pastor, how effective are you being in comparison to how effective you CAN be through obedience? And if He has called you to pastor, tend to and shepherd souls, but you like the freedom of evangelizing and choose that form of ministry for yourself, how much are you REALLY pleasing Him in your disobedience? You see, pastoring and evangelizing are great, but not as good as doing what He has specifically called you to do. If he called you to brighten people’s day by being a florist, activist, doctor, waitress, or teacher, than nothing you choose to do will be a better fit for you. Haven’t you heard about people who perform (what to others may just be) a job and exclaim it is their calling? What if Nehemiah had aspired to be a warrior or royal guard instead of a cup bearer? His position is what gave Him ACCESS to the king and the resources He needed to change a nation! As a creation, our purpose is to obey the Creator. Every good thing isn’t a “God” thing. The God thing is His will for your life, His timing included. Ouch.
Now that we have established the fact that even in ministry and “good things”, our selfish hearts can sway us towards the comforts of our prideful agendas, we can focus on the fact that we are not exempt from temptations that disguise themselves as harmless opportunities… even Godly opportunities.
There are three sinful and sneaky dispositions mentioned in the bible that I want to interject here, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life (1 John 2:16). I call them sneaky, because these demonic agendas can attach themselves to the most well intentioned minister of the gospel. Let me tell you, we must CONSTANTLY keep our hearts under the magnifying glass of God’s word!!! We must constantly ask ourselves and God WHY we want what we want. Motive is everything.
I’m getting to my test…..
An opportunity was presented to me five times in about six weeks. I’ll share some of the questions posed to me: Don’t you want to be on television? Don’t you want your name to be in lights? Don’t you want to preach to nations? Don’t you know you can spend so much time on a plane going to and fro to teach the gospel that you’re rarely at home? Don’t you know that you can become very wealthy doing this?
I’ll be very CLEAR here, there is nothing wrong with any of the aforementioned in and of themselves, however, something becomes very wrong when they are opportunities that God didn’t create and were presented to me to lure me through any temptations to be successful, popular and comfortable. The prideful aspect of our personalities like attention. The prideful aspects of our personalities cause us to crave success for the wrong reasons. I had to stop and ask myself a question… Isn’t my sole motivation to please God; be effective and do good works ON HIS TERMS (Matthew 6:33)? This being the case, I had to acknowledge Him, even in what seemed like a good opportunity and allow Him to “direct my path” (Prov. 3:5-7). We can be so excited about being popular, rich and admired, that we will walk through a door without ever asking God if it is a door He presented and whether or not the next dimension of His will is awaiting us on the other side. It can get really tricky if the opportunities presented are in line with opportunities He promised. Have you ever heard of the term “counterfeit”? Okay, so you know there are things that don’t carry the integrity of authenticity, but look like the real thing. Moving along…
When I took this opportunity before God in prayer, I expressed that if He didn’t send it, I wanted no parts of it. I was resolved that I would rather stay right where I am until HIS appointed time, than step outside of His will to have access to all that my flesh would desire.
The truth is that there are some who will never call me to preach. I’m not being negative, let me explain. The insight God has given me empowers me to preach the uncomfortable charges expressed in the gospel with clarity which leads to a CHOICE to be delivered. In case you didn’t know, choosing God over what is comfortable is… well…. UNCOMFORTABLE. Many people aren’t interested in THAT level of discomfort. He gives me messages that challenge and expose FALSE CORE BELIEFS & FOUNDATIONS that have been the building blocks of relationships, marriages, paradigms and ministries for most of people’s lives. I TOTALLY understand why many don’t want to hear such an uncomfortable charge- even if it is purposed to make them free. Any place God permits me to go is a place where He has already prepared the hearts of the people for the root work He desires to do through the ministry He’s entrusted to me. If I go anywhere before He sends me, anywhere they aren’t ready for the message He sends, how effective could I be? Remember that operating outside of His timing, places you outside of His will. I must always be cognizant of the fact that this ministry inside of me is HIS vehicle and not my own. I will wait on the Lord in all things concerning my life. There are lives hanging in the balance and people depending on me to be properly postured and positioned. My life is not my own.
I have written this to encourage the others who are waiting on God. You may be obeying and watching others moving faster and more often. They may be securing engagements, marriages, properties, and opportunities while you are YET waiting. I tell you today to WAIT ON!!! Wait for the provision that comes from HIS hand. You don’t want the opportunities that just look good…you need them to be FROM God. In obedience, you cover much more ground with less effort and hiccups. We spend too much time finding fault in leaders that fall and ministries that fail, when we should be asking God to expose where the culprit of their demise is lodged in our own hearts. Many times esteemed positions and ministries were being fueled by impatience, pride and the lusts I mentioned earlier. Is anyone really above those things? If your private lives and disciplines (or lack thereof) aren’t consistent with your public persona, don’t make excuses, just ask for His help to dispel the lie you are living. Holiness should be preached AND practiced. When someone is off track, there are always indicators, circumstances and relationships present that reveal the condition of the person’s heart. God calls people to BE what He has called them to do and there is a process in becoming.
Some people were advanced to high school with all of the perks and privileges of being an upper class man, while they were only reading at third grade level. It is truly embarrassing to fail a high school exit exam when the scores are published to the public. This is the same type of humiliation leaders experience when they have been promoted by men, but skipped their private tutorials with God. The virtue isn’t in the popularity, but the authenticity.

Wait on the Lord, let Him go before you and clear the paths you will walk. You will stumble a lot less!

I’m excited about the things God will do, and the doors He will open. And until then…I’ll wait.

Do not love or cherish the world or the things that are in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world- the lust of the flesh [craving for sensual gratification] and the lust of the eyes [greedy longings of the mind] and the pride of life [assurance in one’s own resources or in the stability of earthly things]- these do not come from the father but are from the world [itself]. And the world passes away and disappears, and with it the forbidden cravings (the passionate desires, the lust) of it; but he who does the will of God and carries out His purposes in his life abides (remains) forever.
1 John 2:15-17

Fangs of Doubt…

Maybe it’s just me, but I doubt it. Doubt isn’t one of those things that you conquer during one good cry at the altar or one especially fervent prayer. It is something you have to conquer again and again and again AND replace with God’s truth over and over and over AGAIN.

I had one of those moments today where my REALITY seemed especially large and overwhelming. The problem with my “reality” is that many facets of it don’t align properly with the promises that God has written for and spoken over my life. There are these moments when I am tempted to entertain defeat or tempted to allow my “challenges” to overshadow God’s sovereignty and power to bring everything He has predestined for me to pass. It is during these tempestuous moments that I have to CHOOSE to be loyal to an alternate reality that I haven’t seen, but have chosen to believe is more real than the life I’ve lived- even the bed I’m currently sitting on.

While pondering this today, I remembered a specific part of my sister-friend’s book, I’m Not Garbage (by Rein Johnson). In the book, she mentioned her grandmother’s doberman pinschers bulldozing her and standing over her snapping right over her face. She said she remembers being a terrified little girl and feeling their hot breath on her face. I realized today that doubt feels a lot like that for me. Often times it doesn’t feel like the threat of being bitten, but more like fangs actually making and impression on my cheek and like I have that split second to DECIDE not to fear. As if in that split second, my decision to trust is what prevents the puncture that would precede blood running down my face.

It isn’t easy. It just isn’t. It isn’t easy to believe for something different when too many days look the same and seem to run into one another. It isn’t easy to believe for financial breakthrough when you get three bills in the mail on the same day that you don’t have enough money to pay. It isn’t easy to believe God for a loyal husband when in your past relationships you never experienced a loyal boyfriend (no, I’m not encouraging random dating). It isn’t easy to believe that all of the sweat,  sore muscles and daily visits to the gym will pay off when you tried on your jeans and they still fit the same. It isn’t easy to believe that your loved one will “get it” when they actually act worse than they did before you started praying for them. Believing just isn’t easy, but it is NECESSARY.

In the book, my friend said she laid on the ground perfectly still until the dogs were distracted and called off of her. She didn’t make any sudden moves. Being STILL in your faith, is the very thing that will keep the “doberman of doubt” from tasting your blood. In that moment where fear begins to tighten it’s grip….don’t give it any doubt to grip at all! I’m saying this to you with bills on my couch, a bare ring finger, tight jeans and wayward loved ones. Right in the midst of it all, I’m saying “ONLY BELIEVE”.  Give God a space of hope to fill with His beautiful promises.

The day will come when I’m on the other side of these trials (by trials, I’m referring to doubts). And like so many, I’ll tell a testimony from the other side. I just wanted to comfort someone today who is feeling alone and tired. I want to tell you BEFORE my promises manifest that I first had to believe on this side- the side of blind faith and you must too.

I BELIEVE… Believe with me!!!

Heart Strings…

This is a picture of heart strings. Can you see how fragile they are? These heart strings can break after a deep emotional trauma, causing the heart to lose form and no longer pump blood effectively. Yes, one can literally die from a broken heart. I am posting this because I really want people to consider the impact they have on others AND the necessity of emotional restoration. Do you know anyone that died too soon? Do you know anyone with a “bad heart”? Do you know anyone (including yourself) that gives the APPEARANCE of soaring in the spirit, but privately, are really just one disappointment away from a breakdown?
So, you want to know why I do what I do- why my messages are so often about emotional healing? One cannot live the abundant life Christ died for them to live without taking the mask off and having their heart RESTORED. You laugh ON TOP OF THE PAIN- preach ON TOP OF THE PAIN- get into another relationship ON TOP OF THE PAIN- act bitterly ON TOP OF THE PAIN, act like nothing is wrong ON TOP OF THE PAIN, joke around ON TOP OF THE PAIN, but the pain is real. And you are LYING. Dis-ease eventually manifests in disease. Arthritis, asthma, cancer, congestive heart failure, diabetes…..(need I go on) are all rooted in a TRAUMA that becomes the DOOR the enemy used to access the temple. There are some you will NEVER fool, simply because the God on the inside of us can SEE the pain- and furthermore, SEE that you haven’t yielded to the healing PROCESS. For the love of God…get healed!!! 

If you want help or know someone who does, have them contact me. I will help. Prayer, exposure, root work….you WILL have to deal with it. THIS IS NOT A GAME- THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!

Emotional Healing Coach
info@kelsimarie.com
www.clarityisdivine.com

Image