Christianity, Freedom, Healing, Life, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships

Here We G.O.A.T Again…

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This Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

GOD IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIMES AND REMAINS UNDEFEATED!!!

Last month I spent a few days in Puerto Rico. I REALLY needed the time away and was quite grateful my friend invited me and my mother to hang out and relax with her and her mother over a long weekend. I own five businesses. Five. Not all of them are public knowledge. My point is, I often feel the weight of a lot on my plate. Each of them carries a unique stress. Delegating has become a strategic ally.

I’m one of those people who needs a significant amount of quiet time. Too much noise without a break begins to feel like chaos to me. I get dressed in silence in the morning and I LOVE it. I’m engaging with God, hearing my thoughts, casting some of them down and embracing others. I’m not saying others can’t do the same through the news or music blaring, I’m just saying it’s a distraction to ME. This is one of the reasons I don’t share hotel rooms. Have you ever noticed that people who like to listen to music while getting ready in the morning, tend to assume everyone does? I’ve found it quite strange for anyone to SPLIT a room and do something that completely changes the atmosphere without asking how the other person feels about it. Now if someone is in YOUR room that you’re paying for solely, that’s different. And please don’t be a guest in someone’s room (not paying) and turn on the television or music without asking the host…that would be a bit rude, no?

Back my story. So, while in Puerto Rico, I took full advantage of the natural sounds. On one side of her mansion was the beach and the ocean maybe 100 yards from her pool, if that. On the other side of the house was the rainforest. I’ll put it this way, no one there needs to buy nature sounds on any app or machine. The birds, bugs, reptiles, whatever all of them were…the sounds were so clear. So very bold. I felt quite immersed in nature. Large crabs crawling around, their claws “click clicking” the asphalt. The 3-4′ iguanas in the front yard every morning. It was a different vibe altogether. I believe that helped me to dive into the recesses of my soul where these muddled feelings were. I was away from all distractions and expectations. No one passing my office and then stopping in and plopping down despite the fact they saw me typing, or reading, or on the phone.

In this quiet, with no deadlines, I began to feel a subtle ache in my heart and I was free to investigate what I was feeling. Finally some “me” time. No one asked why I stayed in my [guest] room for hours on end. No one pressured me to eat, binge watch with them or do ANYTHING when I didn’t feel like it. They just let me BE. It was just a wonderful time of relaxation. I had an opportunity to pause and begin processing some things that have been paining me the last few months. I had been FEELING very disappointed and let down. Of course feelings don’t always portray the truth. And that is what I needed to get at. I needed to see what was going on from God’s perspective, the perspective of His truth and not my bias towards my feelings, interests and perspectives.

A painfully fruitful process began that day and culminated last Friday morning. When He was done answering I felt light enough to SOAR. What had been bothering me and weighing me down was no longer an issue. This past week I moved in to practicing what He taught me and things have felt so much better over all. What I realized in Puerto Rico was that I had to bridge a gap between what I understood cognitively and what I actually embraced in my heart. Cognitive dissonance is dangerous. Sometimes your feelings have to catch up with your faith and if you aren’t intentional about the progress, it won’t happen.

I have six points to share with anyone who has endured a turbulent season relationally. If you find yourself hurt or frustrated over something that has pained you before, and part of your frustration is that you’re here again, this may be for you. These are the six steps that brought me OUT and I have no plans to return. Ultimately, I’m responsible for my feelings about something and hoping someone else changes or alters their thoughts or actions so that I can feel better is a bit too much to expect and the power for ME to feel better should never rest in the hands of another.

Point #1- Don’t beat yourself up over what you’re sensitive to.

Maybe you watched your next door neighbor care for a chicken from the time it was a chick to a full grown hen. You watched her give eggs to neighbors in need. And then you witnessed her grieve when the mean neighborhood mutt whose owner was never responsible enough to keep the dog locked away properly, massacred the hen. Perhaps watching the attack and how it affected people who no longer were able to enjoy eggs as much, has given you a sensitive spot for animals and people in need. Perhaps this is why you fund or work at a soup kitchen.

No one has walked in your exact shoes. So, when you are sensitive about or passionate towards something, don’t let the fact that others don’t “get it” cause you to think something is wrong with you. You simply have a different perspective. And guess what? Those people at the soup kitchen you assist are grateful for your soft spot! You may be the reason more people are helped or that they are able to eat something other than soup. No need to over explain your sensitivity. DO YOU and let those who benefit and appreciate what you have to offer be your focus instead of those who don’t understand you and condemn your position. Point your energy in the right direction! Some may NEVER understand! And while we love them too, we simply don’t debate them about hens, eggs, mean stray dogs or how that relates to being sensitive to those who are in need. They may be totally great at sending you birthday cards, but terrible at relating to or respecting certain sensitivities. If you keep expecting them to give beyond the limited capacity they’ve demonstrated in a given area, whose fault is it that you are repeatedly disappointed? Scan the room of your life and find the person you can talk chicken, hens, mean dogs and soup kitchens with. In a nutshell, appropriate your expectations. You’ll feel much better! Every person in your life is different and everyone brings something to the party. Spoons have a function, and forks a different one. Don’t expect spoons to puncture, nor forks to scoop. Lots of disappointments will be eliminated.

Point #2- Don’t Beat anyone else up over what they aren’t sensitive to.

We can communicate our wishes and still leave people the LIBERTY to be how they CHOOSE to be. Anything beyond communicating our expectations and desires and we slide into manipulating, guilting, nagging and generally feeling unhappy if people don’t behave in a way that makes us comfortable. It’s a control issue in the sense we want to control the behavior of another adult or a control issue in the sense we are giving another human being too much control over our emotional well-being.

THIS IS WHY it is important to get to know people BEFORE investing in deep relationship with them. There are ways they may choose to be that are completely damaging and offensive to you and everything you stand for. Often times we stay in unhealthy relationships because “we’re in it now” and are simply waiting for a person to change. What if they’re happy the way they are? What if it works for them? If you want someone to be different simply because it works better for you, then “they” may not be the issue at all. Kick the selfish habits and seek relationships with people who are like-minded. It’s pretty amazing how well things flow when people within a relationship ascribe to the same or similar foundational convictions. Do you really have time to teach someone to be honest, respectful or decent? Do you want them to practice (pass and fail) on you? I prefer a bit more predictability and stability as I navigate the challenges life brings. I’d prefer not to be hit with “friendly fire”. I already have to tackle the world. I don’t want to tackle or be tackled in the comfort of my own home or personal relationships. I’ve gotta have a safe place somewhere.

Point #3- Stay Tuned…

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Christianity, Freedom, Healing, Life, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships

Let The Bull Get The Bull…

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I’m alive. That’s significant because as I prayed in the new year I had a very deep feeling that it was my last New Year. I had never felt that before. I was sorta like…ok Lord, but honestly I feel pretty jipped because there’s a LOT that has been promised that hasn’t happened yet. But the only words I uttered were “Be it unto me according to thy will”. And that was that. Then New Year’s Day one of my prophetic sisters messaged me asking if I was okay. I answered in the affirmative and questioned her inquiry. She said she’d had a dream that felt way too real. I told her about my impression and then she told me her dream was that I had died and she was desperately trying to get to my mother in the dream. She said she was crying so badly she woke up out of her sleep. After hearing that I wasn’t sure I’d even make it through the night! I was about an hour from home so my only request was that I didn’t perish in a car wreck. I’m saying “wreck” instead of accident because this is Dallas and if you know anything about the way people drive here, then you get it. People shouldn’t drive the way they do and then call it an accident if they crash!

Y’all may laugh, but I’m serious. I’ve given Him my life and there are just some ways I DON’T desire to die and I’ve chosen to believe He’ll honor that. Now back to my point. After that convo I mentioned all of it to three people (who are trusted sources as it pertains to moves of God in my life) to see what they got. If I did die, I also wanted my mom to know that I knew already and that it was ok. I knew they’d tell her. All of them came back with the same thing. I figured I’d ask one more. Someone on a different continent who may not be as emotional about it if the Lord was showing me passing. I figured my closest friends here may have a more difficult time accepting it because of what they’ve seen me walk through and what they desire to see manifest in my life because of it. But even she came back with the same revelation. All of them prayed and believed the death wasn’t physical, but that something in me was going to die…and needed to. Whew! Ok, brace yourself. Another ride.

I’m only sharing this because of what I shared yesterday. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves the hard questions. What part have you played in your betrayals and/or disappointments? Do you have a savior complex? Is it difficult for you to say no? Are you always trying to push people whose heels are dug into the ground? Do you want someone’s healing, deliverance or success more than they do? Do you ignore indicators and red flags? Do you use and consult wisdom in HOW you help people? Do you assume people who don’t have integrity in other areas of their lives will demonstrate integrity with you? Do you believe people “have changed” when they haven’t displayed any indication they have? Do you call enablement forgiveness? The list goes on and on.

No one has traveled this life for a significant amount of time without baggage from the trip. I can “hear” insecurities come out of the mouths of the best of them. Who cares! I haven’t met anyone who walks water. The dangerous ones are those who give no thought about dealing with their junk and continue to damage people.Just because a bull has been let loose in a fine china store doesn’t mean you need to sit around watching or attempting to wrangle it. Eventually the bull will get cut by the mess it makes. Walk out, let the bull get tired, then collect the insurance money. Don’t go to every mess you’re invited to! Sometimes you gotta let the bull be the bull and get the bull. Yeah, I said it.

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Christianity, Freedom, Healing, Life, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships

FEAR- False Expectations Appearing Real

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At least I’ve heard it referenced that way. I hear you: But what if they aren’t false? Deal with it THEN I say! But NOT TODAY!!!

There’s so much going on. So many people are worried about so many things- AND for justifiable reasons. Covid-19 doesn’t result in death for everyone, but it does for some. And honestly, just one fatality was too many. There are loved ones left behind who not only grieve, but grapple with the fact that their loved one died alone, weren’t able to be memorialized sufficiently. This pandemic has taken a toll on the hearts of many. It’s difficult not knowing how the virus will affect any one person. People wonder if they’ll be the asymptomatic one or the one in a coma and on a ventilator. The concerns are real. Then there’s the financial piece. Some people are really being adversely affected as a result of lockdowns slowing business. It’s been a tough year for most of us in that regard.

I get it. We want to slow the curve, but at the same time, how do people live if their businesses are closed? It’s a valid question. Unemployment benefits and/or stimulus checks (for those who qualify) don’t put a dent in what some of us need to live comfortably or pay the bills we’re accustomed to paying.

Having said all of that, I’ve learned some very important stuff, but I want to focus on one today and that is how dangerous fear is. Fear – the perpetual worrying kind, can become the doorway to the exact results you DON’T want. It accomplishes absolutely nothing. It robs us of peace, hope, tranquility and confidence in the fact that things just may NOT turn out as badly as they could. Fear has the power to attract the wrong stuff in your life. You feel it and it sends a signal to the manifestation of that thing. Crazy right?

Look at it this way. If the worse happens, you get to grieve that…appropriately. So just chill. Grief hurts so badly there’s no point in experiencing it twice. Experience it when necessary, but give it no more than that. If the worse never comes to pass, there was no need to experience that ache even once!!!

I’m sure you’ve heard fear neutralizes faith. Let’s just give faith a shot and see what the end will be.

Oh! And read Psalm 46:10a and Isaiah 41:10. Then lie back and imagine the best outcomes with every bit of your imagination you can harness!

Let me know how it goes!

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Christianity, Freedom, Healing, Life, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships

Change HAD to come…

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All this time, I thought that I missed Him. By the time I graduated from college at 21, I was also an EMT. My plan was to go to grad school for a MS in Medical Science. I wanted to be a PA. I’d already decided medical school would take too long. I’ve always had an interest in medicine and healing- just didn’t love school. I love science and math though. I’m both left and right brained. I still remember the bones of the body. What grade did we learn that? Then after one of my brother’s bouts in the ICU, I became really queasy when I saw blood or vomit, etc.. I didn’t used to be that way. I was taking a few pre-reqs and a classmate caught me during lab (I was fainting) when they cut open the cadaver. I felt like I had to start from square one and figure out my life. That was depressing. A few years later, I looked into nuclear medicine. Back then I wasn’t encouraged to pursue that AND ministry. It was like I was either committed or not (to ministry). So it was HR and then real estate.

Now twenty years later, and 10 years after I started studying non-mainstream modalities, I’m opening a wellness center. I didn’t miss Him! Helping people be Well IS part of my scroll. A few years ago I became frustrated with my level of faith. I felt stagnant. I began to see how so much of my “depth” was RELIGION as opposed to intimacy with Him. I wanted to better understand the invisible I’m supposed to be able to believe for. And I’m the type that needs to understand the fundamental principles of things. I didn’t want to testify about a SUPERNATURAL God, but have a regular, natural, nothing special life. If “The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want”, then why did I lack peace, health, loving relationships, abundance, etc.? I also needed to learn how to believe PAST betrayals and disappointments that had crippled my hope. I started studying quantum mechanics (physics) and it really opened me up to the infinite possibilities hidden in faith. I did one thing differently and a new world was unlocked. New places, new people, new connections, new (to me) concepts. Revelations I had in part, fully revealed and explained by generals of the faith. FAITH TO FAITH!!! New tests too! New pains too! New goodness too! I’m content, but I’m not satisfied. There’s more for me to unwrap in Him.

Sometimes all we have is a piece- a tidbit…and timing takes care of the rest. And sometimes SOMETHING DIFFERENT has to be done. I’m not talking about doing something to earn or deserve. I’m talking about doing something to press in to Him harder. I’m just sharing some of my story. Things I haven’t really shared. There’s ALWAYS a story. Is there an old dream you let go of, were talked out of, or figured you were wrong about? Ask Him about it. What if this is the season to breathe on them again? Of no one told you today…. I love you and so does He. #thewellfrequency

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I Gotta Get This Right…

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I think I just realized something about myself. I don’t give myself much grace in some areas- at lease not the areas in which I consider myself proficient. I’m very logical. I’m very strategic. I’m very responsible. I research, compute, triple check, and double check. And I TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. Perhaps that’s why I become annoyed when people point out the obvious, or tell me things I think, they should think I already know. It’s crazy.

I made a mistake last week and I’m having a difficult time right now giving myself grace. I feel full. I’ve already cried, so now I’m blogging, so I can flush it out and then get back to my day. I need your virtual ears. I don’t feel like talking about it. For an introvert, talking can take a lot of energy. I don’t have extra energy right now. I’m upset with myself.

So, last week I needed to give an address to someone. I remember the moment I received the text. I was working on something. I felt stretched. I felt stressed (I don’t do stress), and I quickly replied to the text with a business address, but I left off the suite number in my haste. Now, as I try to deal with two different packages that are part of the same shipment, I’m again dealing with UPS and their sub-par customer service. This is the second issue I’ve had with this company in two months. I have much better results with FedEx. And this is important. Very important and I can’t get anyone on the phone? This is business. How is it they aren’t providing support for business? But if I hadn’t messed up, I wouldn’t have to rely on their customer service at all. So, here I am again-blaming myself for making a mistake. Irritated by the fact that I left off the suite number when something was so important.

There are a few facets to this. I’ll explain.

1. I hate wasting time. I’ve called so many times and spent so long on hold- for nothing. Now I want confirmation that they’ve received my email. Calling didn’t work. The virtual chatting didn’t work. And I was supposed to be doing other things on my checklist today! Grace Kelsi, grace.

2. For one of the packages, the internet says it’s in transit and the automated service says it was delivered on 2/12. I don’t even know how to mentally process that. I want a voice on the phone! Oh yeah, they aren’t able to offer that right now, as a result of COVID-19. I feel like using a curse word. Seriously. Grace Kelsi, grace.

3. If I’m able to pick it up at receiving center, both boxes are 40 lbs. and I have to carry them pretty far to the parking lot. Not much weight? Hmmm, remember less than a year and a half ago, I couldn’t walk, lift my arms or my head. I’m very careful about what I pick up as to not trigger my back as it begins to lock very easily. So, here I am. All because I forgot to put the suite number in a text. And when I consider all I was dealing with last week, I need to give myself grace and trust things will work out. I won’t strain my back, I will have my packages in hand, and most importantly, I’ll learn this critical lesson. Mistakes DO happen even in the midst of important circumstances. I need to give more grace to myself and others. This has humbled me. Even while trying to be mindful, I made a critical error. I’m allowed. I guess. Yes, I’M ALLOWED! Grace Kelsi, grace.

I will categorize this as a new opportunity to trust God. Logistically, it is a MESS! But it isn’t too messy for Him. One day soon (and it needs to be soon), I will have my packages and all will be well. And I’m going to love myself in the process. Grace Kelsi, grace.

Let me know if y’all want me to update you as to how it all works out 😉 !!!

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Christianity, Freedom, Healing, Life, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships

Call a Thing a THING!

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Call a tool a tool. Call exposure, exposure. I’ll explain. If you have a five year friendship and friend “A” asks friend “B” to borrow $100 (just an arbitrary figure) with a promise to pay it back and doesn’t, there’s an issue. Your word is your word. If the relationship is fractured and friend “B” goes around reporting that if the friendship is over because of $100, there was never really a friendship, that’s grossly inaccurate. People say those things. I’ve heard it. Then you have people who shake their heads in disapproval that a relationship was ruined over $100 when in fact it WAS NOT. It wasn’t about the money, it was about the disgrace. The $100 just revealed the heart of friend “B”. When friend “B” plans birthday parties, takes vacations, buys things, and continues living life without any concern for the debt they owe, what has been revealed is the lack of honor they have for friend “A” and THAT is what dismantled the friendship. Not thinking enough of their friend to apologize, explain, make payment arrangements, etc.. It isn’t about “the money”, it’s about how you handled your friend and the level of character that causes one to keep their word. Real talk- integrity will cause you to pay back the $100 even if the friendship is over. Integrity will cause you to pay $100 back to a MILLIONAIRE. What they have isn’t your concern, what you owe them is. The check you hand to them could have been the check they tore up. But you never gave yourself the opportunity to be blessed.

Respect and honor in a relationship are highly visible.

People like to say when someone dies that emotions are raw. Yes, they are. But family members don’t fall out BECAUSE emotions are raw. They fall out because in a raw state true character and feelings are revealed and communicated. In a “raw” state, people don’t have the energy to pacify and “cover-up”. So, they say what they mean and do what they feel. You see the real deal.

You didn’t fall out BECAUSE of the pain. You fell out because of what the pain exposed.

I share this because people like to hide. Accountability is uncomfortable for some. So when you think about your fractured relationships, it isn’t “just ” a blouse, a text, $100, a stupid argument, etc.. It’s what those things exposed about the foundation of the relationship. And THAT is why the relationship couldn’t recover.

If someone disappointed you, betrayed you, mishandled you, BLESS THEM, pray God’s best for them. It’s a blessing for the truth to be exposed.

Why don’t relationships that worked “then” work now? You were a different person then. Expectations and needs were different. You’ve raised the bar. Maybe you love yourself now.

For example: Twenty years ago people could talk behind my back, hob knob with those who slandered me, AND be my friend. Now I give them all the space and opportunity in the world to be together and have grand conversation behind my back! Knock yourselves out! Their actions made the choice for them.


I’ll still be kind. You may not even know I’m aware. The gossip was just a tool that exposed.

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Depression is NOT a Life Sentence!!!

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Some people know this (those who read my book) and some don’t. I lived battling suicidal ideation for a very long time. I was living and laughing amongst friends, preaching and fully immersed in ministry AND wanting to die.

When one lives with that level of depression, it isn’t that they don’t SEE reasons to live. They DO love God, their spouses, family, children, and loved ones! They just can’t see living with such acute pain for so much longer!

It isn’t always because something horrible happened (although that doesn’t help). It’s like living with an anchor that constantly pulls the mind down to a deep dark hopeless place. It’s like living with a sleep mask that never lets the light of hope be seen. We NEED hope to LIVE! It’s living in deep pain without being able to articulate to your (own) self what’s wrong-needless to say anyone else!

It hurts to live with it and it hurts to be so deeply misunderstood. When I would hear people talk about others’ struggles, making comments like “suicide is selfish” or “it’s just never that bad”, or “people are weak- look at what I’ve been through”, I’d sink deeper into disconnection, feeling that I couldn’t trust my private thoughts with ANYONE.

There came a time when I got in my car and went to my mother at 4am, because I didn’t trust myself to make it through the night. There’s the inner conflict: wanting to want to live, but feeling like I just couldn’t do it anymore! She called a doctor the next morning. I was prescribed anti-depressants. Once those kicked in, I felt like I was treading instead of drowning. I had a reprieve and I began to take inventory of everything. I was able to sort through it all and come to the realization that the same God who heals cancer or the illnesses and imbalances in the pancreas, stomach, liver, and heart, is the same God who can heal the brain. The brain is an organ capable and susceptible to disease and imbalance just like the rest of them, DESPITE THE ROOT! I knew then that medication indefinitely or forever was NOT my portion. I was not willing. I knew I could be HEALED.

My prayer for the church at large is to stop being afraid. Be willing to learn and explore the healing modalities that BELONG TO GOD, yet aren’t popular in religious circles. Just because you, your pastor, or bishop have never heard of it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!!! I made the decision I wanted the joy & peace the BIBLE says is available to me!!!

Being healed of constantly living with the stress of being in crisis mode isn’t something I take lightly and most importantly, I’m living proof that it is POSSIBLE.

After years of being in the clear, I got YHVH tattooed in Hebrew on my wrist. It’s His name in its purest form, unfiltered and untranslated. Hebrew letters are ALIVE! Everyday that I see it, it’s a reminder that His name is the only mark that has ever and will ever go on my wrist. GLORY TO GOD!!! It’s REAL to me, because I know where I’ve been!!! I KNOW what Jarrid Wilson was going through. No one is exempt until one goes as deep as is necessary to be transformed. There are no shortcuts.

Please pray for Jarrid’s wife, family, congregation, AND the many among us who are privately suffering. 😔🙏🏾

To the religious folk regarding my tattoo and Leviticus 19:28:
1. Be careful
2. He isn’t dead 
3. The reason scripture says the letter killeth is because we are more loyal to our finite and often misconstrued understanding of it OVER relationship (with Him) and motive. Consider the religious sect who were angry about Jesus healing on the sabbath (the rule) and wanted to throw scripture at the Word Himself!

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Road Rage? As If the Road is the Reason…

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Road rage is never about the person being cut off or tailgated, etc. . The rage was already there and simmering when the raging person got on the road!

People are dealing with so much these days. I always think about what may be on a person’s mind. Are they headed to the hospital to say goodbye to a loved one? Are they going through a divorce? Are they terminally ill? Sometimes people are lost because they aren’t from the area. Sometimes they are elderly and deserve patience. … I always think about the many things that could be on a person’s mind. It’s just never that serious. But again, that rage was already simmering before they got on the road.

I realized this during my late teens. I was headed wherever was important to me at the time. A lady made a U-Turn right in front of me, causing me to almost run into her. I pulled up on the side of her to give her a piece of my mind and she was crying HYSTERICALLY. My irritation turned to compassion. From then on I remembered, people go through things and those things don’t go away when they need to drive somewhere.

Another time I made the mistake. I cut someone off or some other wrong thing. I didn’t mean to. I was just lost in my thoughts. He was in the lane beside me and began yelling and cursing at me. I yelled, “I’M SO SORRY! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!” His rage melted. He slowed his car almost to a crawl, and in my rear view mirror I could see a look of sheer disbelief on his face. Had no one told him that yet? Was a bit of kindness all he needed?

No matter what crazy thing any of us do on the road, it’s so much better than an accident. LIVE ON!!!

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Misunderstood…

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There have been times I’ve felt like the most misunderstood person on the planet. Many times actually. Mmmmm no, it was MOST of the time. Then in grad school during one of my pastoral counseling courses I had to take a few of the most in depth, TIME CONSUMING, intricate personality assessments I’d ever taken. Those tests revealed my temperament/personality combination represents only 3% of the global population. That was comforting. Seriously. I finally had the REASON I’ve always felt so different than everyone else. I began to embrace my uniqueness on a new and stronger level. I began to be ME unapologetically (only adjusting what He desired for me to adjust). You can change so much to suit others’ whims, needs, insecurities, and agendas that you don’t leave space for the person you (authentically) are to be expressed.

Everyone has an opinion about how life should be lived. The only ones I trust and entertain are the ones that line up with God’s word. One thing I’ve known about myself is that being Spirit led is most fulfilling and peaceful for me. Even when being such didn’t appear to produce much, I always found comfort in honoring Him. Even as a child, I wasn’t hard-headed. My dad was the disciplinarian. And I’ll tell you this- I never got in trouble for the same thing twice. Wanting to please my daddy was a pre-cursor to wanting to please my Father. David demonstrated the courage to fight for his daddy’s sheep before he demonstrated the courage to fight for His Father’s flock! God wired me to respect boundaries and order. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve been a broken person, ignorant (lacking knowledge), unwise, dysfunctional, insecure, a people pleaser…the list goes on. But more importantly, once I come to know better, I DO better.

I feel my greatest PRIVILEGE and pleasure in life is my relationship with God. It’s the sugar & spice of my life!!! Knowing how sovereign and powerful He is, I’ve never understood why those who call themselves His, settle for bondage. I’ve been bound by much so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve come to know there is NO fetter the blood of Yeshua can’t break…even if it happens slowly. Even if it happens slowly. Even if it happens slowly. Even if it happens slowly. No need to attempt to be perfect by tomorrow. Just make progress today! Progress is victory small moment by small moment. And victory is victory!

Walking with Him, I’ve learned His ways are counterintuitive. When we’ve waited long, our flesh desires to create change. When we feel discomfort, our flesh desires relief. When we feel lonely or aroused, we’ll seek companionship, even if it’s sinful or unhealthy. But what if the long wait and discomfort are purposed? What if something is being worked out of you or set up for you? What if the wilderness you’re desperately trying to escape is actually part of the plan? What if the LEVEL of pain you endured in marriage was never what He planned for you to experience in a marriage? What if the job you hate going to is the provision you rushed to before the peaceful provision He was bringing to you? What if there’s something you’ll forfeit as the result of taking your life in your own hands? What if you’re looking at your life right now and you’ve spun your wheels and worked way harder than what you have to show for it? What if what you chased and caught isn’t life-giving, nor what it was “cracked up to be”? His blessings may look menial, then end up major, never look major then end up a big disappointment. Not His!

I’ve waited. And waited. And waited. Then waited some more when I came up with fabulous exit strategies that I realized He wasn’t in. I’ve watched so many CHRISTIANS get TIRED of being single and make the decision to marry. Not because He prompted them. Not because He revealed it’s their time. Not because He sent a man or woman to them, but because they were tired of being unmarried. So, they chose one of their options and made the second most important decision of their life without a single yes from their Creator. I’ve watched CHRISTIANS end up marrying people they intended to be placeholders simply because they got in so deep and became so indebted, they FELT they couldn’t get out. How well can that possibly turn out? I WILL NOT. He will sanction it, or I won’t do it.

I’ve waited so long for change, good intentioned people began giving me advice about what to do to change my circumstances. Not because God revealed something to them, but because people often have a “make it happen” tendency, have never waited on the Lord, and thus got tired of watching me wait. WELL, TURN YOUR HEAD AND LOOK OVER THERE!!! But there’s only one thing I dislike more than the waiting, and that’s being in or a part of something HE hasn’t graced. So, I wait more. No desire I have is worth being out of divine alignment. NOT ONE! I’ll wait.

I’ve occupied my time strengthening my relationship with Him, learning more about Him, spending time with Him, reading, learning, becoming smarter, preparing, becoming a better me, and INVESTING time, money, effort, and energy in becoming the person He created me to be. Let me tell ya, THAT will keep you busy!

As a disciple our lives should REEK discipline. Even my health, I am tackling and subduing from the inside out! When I get to that “BEST” on the outside, it will be the overflow of optimum health on the inside. I’ve been lean, and depressed. I’ve been fit and bankrupt of hope. I’ve been “fine” and full of fear. Mmmmmm that isn’t congruent. In 2012 I asked Him why my weight fluctuates so much as hard as I work out. He revealed the issue isn’t physical at all. Run on the hamster wheel if you want. I won’t let YOU get so comfortable externally that you assume all is well internally. Weight is just how the false burdens, fears, and lack of self expression (inner misalignments) manifest. Earlier this year when I couldn’t even lift my arms or head, couldn’t dress myself, and couldn’t walk, a fear of financial setback had manifested. I’d had a terrible fearful thought that I allowed to escape my lips, and at that very moment I collapsed in a pain that immobilized me. The loss of financial stability in 2008 and the humiliation that followed traumatized me. That trauma sat inside of me flickering a fear of it happening again and an exhaustion from still not having fully recovered. And for what He appointed in my next season, I needed FAITH that agrees with Him. Never pity that! It was a blessing! Fear HAD to be exposed so it could be expelled (as Rein would say). Fear will hinder His plan by neutralizing your faith. Faith takes steps disguised as risks!!! He didn’t want me to miss out!!! The suffering was NOTHING in comparison to what He was ready to reveal for me!

There’s a reason the Apostle Paul encourages us to rejoice in diverse tribulations! If it hadn’t manifested physically, I wouldn’t have sought the Lord for the root. If I hadn’t sought the Lord for the spiritual root, I wouldn’t have gotten my healing! I would have been walking around, having escaped the “inconvenience of pain and immobility” with a fear LODGED inside of me that disagrees with who He is, thus what He desires to release and fulfill in my life. NO!!!! I want what He desires to release and fulfill in my life!!! REJOICE IN YOUR PAIN and seek Him for its purpose!!! EVERYTHING must bless you! Even what is painful must pay you (Rom. 8:28).

So, I’ve waited and been still when He didn’t sanction movement. I’ve waited and been still while I didn’t understand why I had to. I’ve waited and been still while my observers didn’t understand why I had to. I’ve waited and been still while others told me it didn’t take all that. I’ve waited and been still while people I thought I could lean on laughed and talked about me behind my back. I’ve waited and been still while watching others make things happen for themselves. I’ve waited and been still while watching others be blessed AND I REJOICED WITH THEM!!! I’ve waited and been still while watching people NEVER exercise the patience and trust in Him to wait! I’ve waited and been still going to bridal showers, weddings, baby showers and birthday parties. I’ve waited and been still going home alone, sleeping alone, and BEING alone for days on end (literally), because I REFUSED to allow my desire for companionship to compromise my integrity and walk with Christ. I’ve waited and been still while overhearing “friends” joke about me only having a dog at home. I’ve waited and been still while watching people marry, divorce, and get married again while I sill waited on the Lord. I’ve waited and been still while suitors that I’ve told that God didn’t speak to me about marrying them told me I just must not hear Him at all. I’ve waited and been still while young women have bragged and ministered about remaining celibate a “WHOLE TWO YEARS” and then God sent them their mate- oh and before the tender age of 30. Two years? Gurl bye!!! And that isn’t to diminish their wait, it just doesn’t hold a candle! I had plans to be a married mommy before 30 too!!! Ah well!

I’ve waited and been still with a word in my belly when He arrested me and told me He wasn’t in certain ministry opportunities and I had to sit on the sidelines while watching my counterparts gain traction and exposure In their endeavors and opportunities.

I’ve waited and been still so long the wait stopped bothering me. I’d search inside for the hurt, irritation, and embarrassment and couldn’t find it. I had resolved that I have followed His plan and His leading the best way I know how and He knows what He’s doing.

Then and only then, He led me to the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken. And on the heels of my yes have been alignments, provisions, introductions, opportunities, tools, revelations, and shifts that have BLOWN MY MIND. IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER!!!

Just as awesome as it is coming out on the other side (FINALLY) is the realization, love, and appreciation I have for the person I became during the arduous process!

I PROMISE you can’t do it, build it, or create it better than He can. Do NOTHING without Him! I’ve lived long enough to SEE and say ALL THAT STARTS WELL DOESN’T END WELL, BUT… WHAT HE DOES NEVER FAILS!!!!

“Wait I say on the Lord!”

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