Clarity is Divine……..
As I drove through the Caldecott Tunnel in Berkeley, CA the words were simple. They were very clear in fact. The voice on the other end of the phone said, “I don’t love you anymore.”
Have you ever experienced a moment that seemed to separate your life into “Before and After”? That was my moment. At the time, I thought my path was clear. We would marry, “do ministry”, build a family, grow his business and life would be as God intended-good. He told me he was SURE I was God’s choice for him and that his faith had been sealed in a vision. I went against everything screaming within me to wait a while, not to rush and grow more in understanding. I ignored how he treated his ex-girlfriend, how we even got to this place (he told me they broke up, but her version was that I “stole” him), I ignored his addiction to various women, and his proclivity towards fibbing. I ignored his mood swings and how inconsistent he was with me. He asked me to believe in him, not to give up on him and I obliged. I DECIDED that being married, settled in ministry with a clear path as a helpmeet was worth the kinks in the relationship that would be worked out in time.
No one advised me to examine myself to see why I would even accept such treatment and ambiguity. No one expressed to me the importance of evaluating a suitor’s “character set”, as you would a job applicant’s skill set. No one told me that I needed to be comfortable in my own skin or content as a single person before I even CONSIDERED marriage. Hmmmm, well, honestly, maybe if I had shared the ugly truths of the relationship, someone would have told me these things. Sometimes we don’t share so that we won’t have to hear the bitter truth. We’d rather remain deluded. Until that point, living single had been reduced to a season of waiting to be married. Period. This was an ideal situation, right? It was biblical, wasn’t it? I was saved and so was he. I had given my life to ministry and he had too. He knew the importance of prayer and washing his wife with the word and I knew the importance of serving as a helpmeet. I was told that I needed a “covering” [needed to be married] as I embarked on ministry. Three different people had prophesied to me that this was my husband- two of them while he was still with the other young lady. I wasn’t mature enough to know that such prophecies were out of order as they made me feel entitled to him, although a sister in Christ was hurting. So, when the opportunity presented itself, I threw caution to the wind. This was my LIFE. God had FINALLY revealed His plan for MY LIFE. So, I drove the car in a trance while holding the phone to my ear.
All I could muster was, “What did you just say? What do you mean you don’t love me anymore?” All I was thinking was, “He doesn’t get to say this to me.” My thinking was, we’re MARRIED, well, not really, but as good as married in my imagination and heart. I had committed to this! Later when he handed me a shoebox of my belongings in his driveway, I didn’t cry or yell. I softly reminded him that this was HIS idea and that he had asked me to believe in him. I reminded him that I went against the warnings of my parents, my friends and the entire church was gossiping about me because of the scorned ex-girlfriend’s spin on their break-up and that now he was abandoning me. He told me he had made a mistake- that he must have misinterpreted “the vision”. He expressed that he wanted to go back to his ex and that after dating HER for a few more years and restoring her trust, he would marry HER and that he wished me the best. This is where I probably wanted to pinch myself. This couldn’t be real, right? What is happening to MY LIFE???
The path that I had seen so vividly for the past few months was growing dimmer and dimmer and the door to my depression was the realization that without him, I didn’t have a plan. I couldn’t even remember who I was apart from the identity I had embraced as his future wife. “What am I going to do now?”…… That is all I heard in my mind for a very long time. “What am I going to do now?” The seed of rejection had been planted and my self-esteem [already low], took a nosedive.
Today, I flash back to that scene and I THANK GOD!!! I am now thankful for the opportunity to acquire wisdom before becoming anyone’s wife. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn my own value; and establish that God has a plan for ME, alone and independent of my role in someone else’s life (Jeremiah 29:11). I embrace wholeheartedly the fact that what I perceived as rejection was actually an “ejection” from a situation that was not God’s best for me. I cannot imagine who I would have become if I had operated in a marriage as deficient as I was in godly wisdom and understanding.
I will share with you several of the things I have learned:
- You never want to build a relationship on someone else’s back. No matter what story he or she tells you, if another person is still hurt, you probably need to probe a little deeper into the situation to see where there are loose ends and if something was handled inappropriately. If he/she betrayed the last person, they will likely do the same to you. Never take part in doing anything to someone else, that you wouldn’t want done to you.
- Pay attention to how someone speaks of having hurt someone. Are they indifferent or callous?
- Be cautious of an individual that vacillates often, because God is NOT the author of confusion.
- Share with an accountability partner or a mentor EVERY facet of the relationship, not just the parts you aren’t embarrassed to tell. Emotions can impede your ability to make sound decisions.
- Pray fervently and consistently for direction. We have a God who loves us to the point that He will steer us around potholes and reveal things that are hidden to the natural eye. If a person is not right for you, He WILL reveal it. It is your job to heed the warning.
- Yield your desire to be married to Him, being resolved that you will hold out for His best for you. We must remember that He knows not only where we are, but where we are going and He will give us a mate that can accommodate both.
- Timing is EVERYTHING. To be out of God’s timing is to be out of His will. When He says “not yet”, that is exactly what He means.
- Never invest in a relationship on a spousal level until you are a spouse.
- Finally, be committed to bringing out the best in someone and aiding them in being the best servant or maidservant they can be for Christ; keeping that in mind will help you to resist sexual temptation. When you make a decision to be on the Lord’s side, you don’t want to be the person luring them into sin.
Sometimes I sit back and wonder what I ever did to deserve being spared a very painful marriage and then I realize it wasn’t anything I earned. Hey, I was ALL in, remember? I cried [some] long nights for many years. I felt cursed, forgotten and unlovable. The seed of rejection flourished into a plant that stagnated my progress; however, growing in Christ has changed my perspective. For every embarrassing time I had to express to someone that “it didn’t work out”, I am now very thankful. I desire that my marriage be built on a strong, solid foundation in the word of God. And I wish the same for you. The word of God tells me what He wants for me in a husband (1Peter 3, Ephesians 5). And now I am confident [in Him] that I will recognize it when I see it. God is CERTAINLY good and Clarity is divine.