“Part Deux”
Don’t be angry about what happened to me in the Caldecott Tunnel. Be angry that I wasn’t DONE. Be angry that when he came back I took him. Be angry that I can’t honestly tell you how many more times in the course of that relationship that I endured the “Caldecott Experience”. Be angry about the fact that YEARS later on the day of his wedding, when I had FINALLY stopped taking his calls and he had FINALLY stuck with a choice, I cried in a fetal position the ENTIRE day. Be angry that I STILL felt like I had lost. Hopefully, you’ll be angry enough to assassinate the mindset that influences us to accept anything less than God’s best for our lives. Kill the mindset on sight. Kill it in yourself, in your loved ones, in him, in her and wherever else it appears. We MUST speak up when we see others headed down the same path that almost destroyed us!!!
Why do we do that? In any other context, would the definition be masochism? We say it hurts, but we stay. Why do we do that? We cry, threaten to leave, tremble, yell, “check ‘em”, but then stay. WHY do we do that? It comes in different forms and circumstances, but it’s all the same. Mine may play out with me telling him that I know my value, that I deserve better, that I’ve been too good to him to be treated this way and that I will NOT stand for it. Yours may have played out with you begging them not to leave you, asking them to [just] tell you what you have to do and you will fix it.
One of you may have found out about ANOTHER betrayal at the doctor’s office where you heard yourself say, “I have a what?!!!” And you were too embarrassed to admit that the only person you had been sleeping with was your…………… And maybe your recollection of the incident fades with the memory of leaving the doctor’s office in shame, getting to your car and weeping loudly from the blow that has you feeling like you will NEVER recover.
Oh, but there’s another sister who is badly bruised inside and out. Her eyes are bloodshot from being choked, her ribs hurt, her arms are bruised, her head is pounding and through her rapid breathing and trembling body, she SWEARS she’ll never go back to him.
What about the brother who just punched a hole in the wall, because he has NEVER been what she’s accused him of being? He’s paid her rent, accepted her abuse, and stumbled upon pictures in her cell phone that were NOT sent to him. He’s the OPPOSITE of the man most women complain about. He’s the one who went to work, helped her out in every way possible, remembered birthdays and really was the best man he could be; and he is now saying to himself: “She stepped out again?” Or better yet, “This one cheated too???”
There’s also you, the sister who receives a call from your girlfriend telling you that she saw “him” at the “swanky” place with “her” [the other her], eating a “surf & turf” and through your tears and headache, all you can think about is EVERYTHING you’ve doled out. You’ve cooked, you’ve cleaned, you’ve encouraged, you’ve sexed, birthed, aborted and yet YOU weren’t worth a steak and lobster?! Why is a stranger who has nothing invested “worth” more than you???
The scenarios change like the weather. We ALL have a story. Let’s take the focus off of the offender and answer the aforementioned question: Why do we do that? After making empty threats that I wouldn’t tolerate being mistreated and would leave him, why did I pick up the phone and call? After leaving the doctor, why did you confront him in anger DEMANDING to know xyz when all that should have mattered was that you had contracted a sexually transmitted disease? Why did you beg someone to stay who made it clear that they wanted to leave? Why did you walk past the mirror at your battered and bruised reflection and OPEN THE DOOR for the one who had your blood on his hands? Why were you paying her rent knowing you were checking her phone every chance you got? And finally, WHY did you feel the need to REMIND him of everything you’ve done for him when you KNOW he hadn’t forgotten?
Why do we do that??? Whyyyyy do we do it? Why do we sell ourselves short? Why do we give our ALL in response to getting very little? Why do we fear the pain of being without, more than we hate being mistreated? It’s a serious question because being mistreated really does hurt. So again, why do we do it?
Don’t be deceived. If you have experienced ANY of the pain I’ve described as a result of accepting less than what you’ve deserved, it is imperative that you find the answer to THE question. If you don’t DEAL [with it], you won’t HEAL [from it]. It isn’t fair when the person who damaged you the most was loved by a better version of you, and the person who is better for you is forced to work with the jaded leftovers of the person you used to be. Shouldn’t you be your best for the person who is best for you?
What if the mate you have dreamed of is in the wings somewhere waiting for you to love yourself? What if God’s blessing is being withheld until you lose your appetite for toxicity? What if God is simply waiting for you to love Him enough to keep His commandments?
Driving home one night, after another verbal assault to my esteem, I cried out to the Lord. I whimpered and whined about how badly I was being treated. I was arrested by an epiphany that I still believe I heard. I don’t want to smear the focus of this article by getting into a theological debate about whether or not the Holy Spirit quoted a line out of Star Trek. But this revelation that I heard stopped me “mid- whimper”: “There is no honor amongst thieves.”
My entire perspective changed at that moment. I understood that I had violated God’s principles and was in turn crying to Him that I had been violated. It is as asinine as stealing from a person only to run home and find that the same person was at your house stealing from you, and then complaining to the police with the object you stole still in your hand.
I had to take responsibility for my actions and shift my allegiance to the word and will of God. We leave ourselves open to all kinds of assaults when through deliberate sin in our lives we have stepped out from under the covering of obedience. Many of us have to look at our past or present situations and admit fault. We must take responsibility for granting access to the enemy of our souls through actions that oppose God’s word. And trust that once the enemy makes it in, he wants to wreak havoc.
Honoring Godly principles keeps us blessed, righteous (in right standing with Him), and safe. When our aim is pleasing Him and obeying Him out of love instead of what we will get out of it, our appetites begin to change. One may argue their interpretation of Psalm 37:4 as, we get what we want (our desires) when we delight ourselves in Him, but my conviction is that when we delight ourselves in Him, thus losing ourselves in Him, our desires for ourselves line up with His desires for us and we are granted them. In other words, just lose yourself in seeking God and you will end up in a much more fulfilling place.
Whether you’re currently in “a situation” or have been delivered out of one, my prayer for us is that we will do the work required to be the BEST that we can be. Build upon your prayer life. Increase your time in the word of God. Ask Him to reveal to you the personal tendencies that landed you in relationships that didn’t reflect self-love or God’s love for you. Allow the spirit of God to BANISH the fear that seduced you into thinking you couldn’t have better. All of us have “a story”, but we triumph when we embrace the lessons we’ve learned and eventually end up in better shape than before we entered the relationship. If you’re reading this, you have survived. This is your opportunity to be stronger and wiser. What was meant to subtract from you actually positioned you for wonderful additions to your life! I encourage you to strip pain of its power by dancing in your victory and singing in your success. We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Romans 8:37)! God is CERTAINLY good. Accountability is honest. And Clarity is Divine.
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