Some people know this (those who read my book) and some don’t. I lived battling suicidal ideation for a very long time. I was living and laughing amongst friends, preaching and fully immersed in ministry AND wanting to die.
When one lives with that level of depression, it isn’t that they don’t SEE reasons to live. They DO love God, their spouses, family, children, and loved ones! They just can’t see living with such acute pain for so much longer!
It isn’t always because something horrible happened (although that doesn’t help). It’s like living with an anchor that constantly pulls the mind down to a deep dark hopeless place. It’s like living with a sleep mask that never lets the light of hope be seen. We NEED hope to LIVE! It’s living in deep pain without being able to articulate to your (own) self what’s wrong-needless to say anyone else!
It hurts to live with it and it hurts to be so deeply misunderstood. When I would hear people talk about others’ struggles, making comments like “suicide is selfish” or “it’s just never that bad”, or “people are weak- look at what I’ve been through”, I’d sink deeper into disconnection, feeling that I couldn’t trust my private thoughts with ANYONE.
There came a time when I got in my car and went to my mother at 4am, because I didn’t trust myself to make it through the night. There’s the inner conflict: wanting to want to live, but feeling like I just couldn’t do it anymore! She called a doctor the next morning. I was prescribed anti-depressants. Once those kicked in, I felt like I was treading instead of drowning. I had a reprieve and I began to take inventory of everything. I was able to sort through it all and come to the realization that the same God who heals cancer or the illnesses and imbalances in the pancreas, stomach, liver, and heart, is the same God who can heal the brain. The brain is an organ capable and susceptible to disease and imbalance just like the rest of them, DESPITE THE ROOT! I knew then that medication indefinitely or forever was NOT my portion. I was not willing. I knew I could be HEALED.
My prayer for the church at large is to stop being afraid. Be willing to learn and explore the healing modalities that BELONG TO GOD, yet aren’t popular in religious circles. Just because you, your pastor, or bishop have never heard of it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!!! I made the decision I wanted the joy & peace the BIBLE says is available to me!!!
Being healed of constantly living with the stress of being in crisis mode isn’t something I take lightly and most importantly, I’m living proof that it is POSSIBLE.
After years of being in the clear, I got YHVH tattooed in Hebrew on my wrist. It’s His name in its purest form, unfiltered and untranslated. Hebrew letters are ALIVE! Everyday that I see it, it’s a reminder that His name is the only mark that has ever and will ever go on my wrist. GLORY TO GOD!!! It’s REAL to me, because I know where I’ve been!!! I KNOW what Jarrid Wilson was going through. No one is exempt until one goes as deep as is necessary to be transformed. There are no shortcuts.
Please pray for Jarrid’s wife, family, congregation, AND the many among us who are privately suffering. 😔🙏🏾
To the religious folk regarding my tattoo and Leviticus 19:28:
1. Be careful
2. He isn’t dead
3. The reason scripture says the letter killeth is because we are more loyal to our finite and often misconstrued understanding of it OVER relationship (with Him) and motive. Consider the religious sect who were angry about Jesus healing on the sabbath (the rule) and wanted to throw scripture at the Word Himself!
